• Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
• A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
• No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
• My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• Experience is a wonderful thing - it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Love,

Michael