A friend of mine has a first name starting with the letter "A" and a last name starting with "Z." He says that he sometimes settles the problem of being always last in line for all things alphabetized by reversing the names so that he then has a chance at being first.

Being last in line, not only because you are gay, but even more because you are also of the Silverfox Syndrome, is not so easily resolved. If humanity were ever to shake off the shackles of religious, political and social bigotry and proceed to the light at the end of tunnel, I have the suspicion that even the gay culture would be happy to leave us behind in darkness. Homosexual love for, between and among men of 60-plus is invalid or non-existent in their estimation, and when a younger man gives himself to an elder, it is automatically assumed that either financial or social gain is the motivating factor.

In the current film, "The Object of My Affection," a silverfoxy drama critic linked to a sexy young man must be assigned the role of mentor rather than lover, and when the relationship first walks on camera, a comment (by a "standard" gay) related to hustling is accepted by the "standard" gay protagonist as a rule of thumb. Although the silverfox continues as a character in the drama, portrayed confusingly as betrayed, long-suffering, and an all-round good fellow in the end, it is clear that the filmmaker does not himself quite understand why the silverfox is there.

That is what we are: men who are not there, except to ourselves and our kind. Everything militates against our discovering even ourselves. I know a number of men in the range of late twenties to mid-thirties who never knew what they were, gay or otherwise, and engaged in sexual relationships with women in large part because they found men of their own age, or under 50, sexually repulsive. Their attraction to older men lay in such deep, dark dungeons of consciousness that they felt themselves locked forever away from a dream they feared was only their own and could not possibly be realized.

Each of them has a story to tell about emergence from their private hells. There are infinite variations, but some factors are universal. Chief among them is fear, not alone of others, but of themselves. My heart goes out to such men, be they 18 or 80 (for there are those still yearning in the far hallways of their years). It is to all of these that Ben Boxer's Silverfoxes Clubhouse and the John Kilpatrick E-mail List and the Haggerty pages and the Covey Archives and Chiron Rising and the Apollo Network, etc., address themselves. We are here for these men, young and old, to help them find and establish their identity with us as the Silverfox Syndrome.

In my position as a columnist, I hear from many of these people, and it has become my practice to publish occasionally some of their letters which touch on principles and problems we all face. Here is such a letter, from a young man in a country other than the United States who requests that he remain anonymous but who states: "If you think this can reach out to all the brothers in the world, then go ahead. I'll be waiting eagerly for your column."

The letter:

"I am a 24 yo guy from ?????. I think I am a gay. You see, I am very confused about my sexuality preference right now. I know that I get turn-on when I see an older guy. But on the other hand, I want to be in a relationship with a girl. Is there any(thing) wrong with me? After reading all your wonderful stories, I think I can count on your expertise or I just wanna talk it out. You see, the 'gay' thing is not aceptable in my country. My family members will kill me if they ever find out that I like older men. But I just can't help myself!! Since I was younger, I don't know why I have this special feeling about older men. I will imagine myself together with one, walking along the beaches holding hands, watching the sunsets, cook for me, cuddling with him or just have him by my side if I need his support.You know how I envy, if not jealous, when I read about couples together and how much fun they have from the silverfox listing. I will tell myself that this is not going to happen to me, definitely not here!! There are no magazines like the CR or videos of oldermen. So I would rely on only pictures found on the Internet, namely Jeff Covey's archives, your website, Apollonet and some other webpages. I am thinking of making orders from abroad but I have no credit cards or cheque. (you don't know how lucky you guys are) Gee I am stuck right now cos I have lots more to tell you but I don't know how to continue. Can I e-mail you when I am ready? Hope to hear from you.

"P.S Like I mentioned earlier, I just want to tell somebody how I feel right now, you can disregard this e-mail if you think that it's wasting your time...I'll understand. And please forgive my lousy English."

The End