On Ben Boxer's Silverfoxes Clubhouse Bulletin Board, I read a letter from Italy which struck me as a sensible approach to a situation faced by many men of our Silverfoxes Syndrome. I wrote to the author of the letter for permission to use it here.

"Of course you can use my story," he responded. "My name is either Roman or as I am known in Italian Bears groups REALMAN. The other guy's name is Eibcalen. Actually I have a philosophy about gay relationship, of which you have a hint in my contribution to (the) Bulletin Board. I know it must be completely different from a man-woman relationship. Something more like friendship with sex!!!! Deep friendship and a lot of sex!"

Touché, Roman! There you make a point which I believe to be operative in relationships between homosexual men, when the relationships are initiated by physical attraction. From this base rises an infrastructure shaped by a man's intrinsic understanding of the needs of another man as lover and friend. The capacity of two thrusting male forces to harmonize, to work things out in toxic situations, is vastly increased by mutual sexual desire.

When relationships between heterosexual men hit those bumps in the road, kiss-and-make-up is out of the question, being reserved exclusively for patching potholes in their emotional dealings with women. Too bad, straight fellows. Blest be the tie that binds.

Here is Roman's letter, unpatched, just as it appears in the Bulletin Board at the Clubhouse.

"first: sorry for my poor english, i am italian and trying my best. second: I started 2 months ago a relationship with someone who apparently is deeply in love with me. Third: there is a dramatic difference of age. over 30 years. So: He was shattered to know my real age, he thought i was 10 years younger and even so he was perplexed to start a story with someone so much older. but as he was the chaser and he wouldn't let me go. Now there we have to adults: one (26) that has just left the youth to enter the grown up's world; the other (ending his fifties) that is entering in the old age. Which roles? Well no roles..but it is obvious that I put my experience and he puts his energy. So the only possibility is a daddy-son relationship...but not acting a role..but as the normal developing of the story. What will happen? I have no idea. Insofar he loves with the passion of his age and i love with the calm fullness of my age. We are so similar also (by the way we were born same time, same day, same month, NOT same year)and seem to understand each other a lot. One thing I have learnt: that it is senseless to apply roles into a gay relationship similar to the ones of a man-woman marriage. The reasons, the push, the situations are totally different. So it must be something real different. A sort of 2 people conspiracyof feelings...that cannot probably be shared and understood by others. Open or closed relationship? Well one tries to have it closed..but taking into consideration that it is easy for the silver fox to renounce...it is less easy for the one that is beginning to live. I was asked fidelity and I eagerly have agreed: I didn't ask for anything in return. One thing only I want: respect for my feelings. Now we are separated for a few days, I am not in any anguish..I am not afraid..I will not enquire. Of course..when I smell burning...I try to be clever enough to destroy with some irony all the charm of the possible rival. But that's all."

[ part 1 | Part 2 ]