"How did you face coming out?" was asked of me recently by a correspondent of Chinese background. My response to the young man:
To be frank, I have never faced it. I have always been out to those
who understood, and have kept my mouth shut to those who can't understand. If it serves no
meaningful purpose, I say, DON'T. When pushed to the wall, I have not denied it, but it has
always been a useful gauge in my associations with others to see if they are smart enough to figure
it out. If they aren't, why bother? I have found that the ones who are smart enough to figure it out
for themselves are the ones who are truly my friends. Many people know, and show it in their actions
toward me, but choose not to talk about it for reasons of their own. They are entitled to their
reasons, as I am entitled to mine. In the case of your parents, with their being the product of
Asian culture, you may hurt them more than you hurt yourself, and if you love them, why do it? That
would constitute cruelty. If push comes to shove, if they suspect or find out and confront you, give
it to them straight and devil take the hindmost. If they confront you angrily, with recriminations,
then they deserve what they get, and you need not worry about hurting them because they do not give a
shit, then, about hurting you. It is a complex issue, and no generalizations dare be made. It must
be entirely individual. Only YOU can determine what should be done about coming out because YOU are
the one who will take the flack or reap the reward for it. If the reward for it is so great that you
consider yourself foolish not to reap it, do it. If the reward is no more than a sense of
self-satisfaction, I say set yourself aside and forget it. When it is important enough to all
concerned, an opportunity will present itself. It will not go away. Asians often have difficulty
because of the stress on getting married. It is a matter of face, which is a potent force, as you
know. Different cultures handle it differently. There is a classic story in Japan about two lovers
sitting at the Regent Bar, a famous gay establishment in Tokyo's Shinjuku District. One says: "My
mother says I have to get married. It is the Japanese way." The other says: "You can't! Tell her you
are gay!" The first says: "I did, but she answered, So was your father, and he had to get married,
too!" Perhaps the Chinese in general are less understanding than the Japanese. You would know better than I, but the Japanese have a strong Samurai tradtion of intergenerational male love. I have read beautiful 17th-century stories about warrior samurai lovers, and there have been hints of it in the classical Samurai movies directed by Akira Kurosawa. If you think coming out to your
parents will hurt them, remember that it will probably hurt them
no matter when you tell them or why. You must decide for yourself when is the time. There is a
delightful Chinese/American film called "The Wedding Banquet" which you should rent in video
and watch. It's about a Caucasian and a Chinese pair of lovers in New York, and how the problem of coming out to Chinese parents is resolved.The return on that investment is love.
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