Dear Ben,

I have read that letter, "Life Changes." I think I can help the author gain a fresh perspective from the point of view of his 73-year-old lover. I only hope this will give him, and you, or anyone else who might read this, some idea of what the lover is going through. I, too, have suffered from prostate cancer.  

First of all, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the age of 56. When the doctor told me the results of the examination I was in total shock. Within seconds, my mind went from shock to fear to anger to disbelief. I heard nothing else he said that morning. The next month was spent going through biopsys, bone scans, treadmill, and every other test they could think of.  

Okay, on to surgery: They sliced me open and removed the prostate, but in the process they also ripped out my manli ness, my self-esteem, and my sex drive.  

First post surgery problem: They sent me home and give me exercises to do while I was recovering so I could regain control of my bladder when the catheter was removed. Two weeks later the big day came.  

I had done my exercises, so now I'd have control, right? The catheter was removed. I was told to get a box of Depends, just in case, so I went to the store, and I was in the middle of it when I felt the urine coming. I clamped down. Nothing! And then I soaked my pants!  

Totally humiliated, I dropped my head and stumbled out to the car where I broke down and cried. That was the first time since I was a baby that I had wet my pants. I was lucky that was the only accident I had. Sometimes it takes weeks and even months to get control back. This is a time when you're afraid to go out or be around anyone, even your lover, because you are terrified of having an embarrassing accident.  

Second post surgery problem: This was the big one because it was part physical and part emotional. My sex drive was gone, leaving nothing behind but misery and more problems than I thought I could cope with. I could no longer get an erection. I could longer ejaculate. I felt like my life was over. After all, who would want a 56-year-old man who couldn't "get it up"? And if you're in a relationship, you think, "I can't give him what he wants anymore so I won't even try. I'm worthless".  

Yes, I wallowed in self-pity for almost two years and man aged to destroy a wonderful relationship in the process. Then one day I realized that even with the cancer gone, I was still letting it destroy what life I had left. Everything seemed negative. Something had to change.  

So one day, I said to myself, "Hey, Jerry! They took your prostate, not your balls!! They never really touched your manhood. You're still a man. Get up and fight back!"  

I did. I finally started looking at life in a more positive way, and that's when my whole world changed. The spark was relit. My spark. My life.  

I realize now that there are things I can do and things I can't do. I have learned to accept that. And on the Silver Fox list I have also learned there are guys out there who don't give a damn if you can't "get it up." They want the man, the Jerry, the me. So here I am. Come and get me!  

I say to the author of "Life Changes": I hope this letter helps in some small way to understand the inner hell in which your lover may be living his life. You will never be able to relight that spark for him by your efforts alone. It's some thing he will have to do for himself.  

What can you do while you pray every day that he will see the light and turn his attitude around? One thing you can do is show him this letter. Let him know what Jerry Abbitt went through and that the change has to come from inside. You can help by being there for him, by showing him that you love and understand him. Be positive in everything. down side. Only up. It's a rough ride, but just hang on.  

At my present age of 61, I still like to believe that some where out there "Santa Claus" and "happily ever after" still exist, that "someday my prince will come." As a matter of fact, a fine young man has just come into my life. The spark I mentioned earlier? Well, I've got my fingers crossed. Maybe mine will light a fire in his sweet heart. But whatever happens, I am now, and always will be, a man. Whatever I am to myself and can be to him is based on that. If there is a life for me, my friend, there can also be a life for and your lover.  

The only real advice I can give you is, "Don't give up!"  

Here you go, Ben. Some of it was hard to write about but if you can use it fine. Just remember, I'm not a writer.  

Regards, 
Jerry Abbitt