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In this issue:
-Take care of your partner in your Will (4)
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Partners who were once married and have family, if you desire your partner to have certain items after your death, be sure to have it specified in the Will. My partner was once married and had one child. His son and I are to split everything 50/50 according to the Will regardless of the money that I put into the house and what is inside. Funny, if we were a married couple, it would all go to me, but with a situation like this, you have to abide by the wishes of the individual. Just want partners to be certain that they are not screwing their loved one. I never thought it would be this way, but now the lawyer is making me pay rent to live in my own house because I am "benefiting from the estate." Just needed to vent a bit. thanks for listening
Mike Cannot emphasize enough the need to have some LTA Living together Agreement, just in case you should part. better solution for long-time companions is to hve wills and trusts that spell out the detaisl of who gets what. Coupled with Durable powers of attorney for decision -mking when one of the partners becomes incapacitated.
Gay couples are naked before the law when one dies without a will. State law
tkes over and we have no legal relationship to fall back on. Law sees us as
"strangers", not a married couple, with no claims on the estate.
And, I would add... Buying the house as a joint tenancy with right of sole survivorship.
After I'm gone they can have half the damn thing...but before? It's my
home, dammit!
So sorry to hear of your lose and the troubles that followed. I just lost my partner of 12 years on saturday the 24th. I made the necessary calls to his relaitves and employer, to let them know what had happened. As he died late at night while working (a delivery driver). Within minutes of the calls the maggots had crawled out of the shithouse wood work and began their feeding frenzy. Luckily we had the deed to the house drawn up with rights to survivor benefits. Otherwise they would have destroyed me. Now its just all about getting them (as his beneficiaries) the necessary documents they need from me for taxes and bills that he owes. What is it that drives that part of humanity that seeks to harm others while grieving ? And to top all this off his family are DEVOTE MORMONS LOL ya gotta love what christianity and religion has given them in the way of respect. There was no Will or any kind fo trust established and my Partner was not what one would consider a organized person. He was 65 years old and he kept every slip of paper for it seems the last 40 years and none of it has any kind of Organiziation to it. TOTAL CHAOS I never thought that at 36 years old I would experience anything like this. Thankfully I had friends that were able to provide the kind of help I DESPERATELY needed. The maggots are a funny worm and to think that they can look in the mirror in the morning and live their day looking so much like human's Sorry guy I guess I just needed to vent and also wanted to offer my sympathies and encouragement Keep a stiff upperlip and do whatcha gotta do with whatcha gotta do it with and hang in there
Rob
What happens to the pictures that are removed from the digests which are sent to me? Is there some place in your site where I can go and see the letters with their pictures?
Herb
Dear Herb: Dear List Members, One of the most irritating, and in some cases, frightening, activities on an e-mail list is private flaming. This means that someone who is in disagreement with something you have posted may take it upon himself to write his objections to you in private. You don't have to put up with that sort of behavior on a Ben Boxer list. Please send the offending e-mail directly to me and let me handle it personally. It doesn't often happen on a list of mine because people who have been around for awhile know that I am bearish on the subject and will clamp down on flame-throwers without mercy. I don't want people like that on my list. If they do it to one, they will do it to all. They need to feel my pointy-toed boot on their sorry butts when I kick them out the door. Please don't feel that you are snitching on a buddy when you forward the e-mail to me. They aren't your buddies. Enough of them hanging around can destroy a list. I catch some of them when they are unwary enough to send the post to the list. I reject the posting as offensive nearly always because it constitutes a personal attack on a member's views or character or manner of posting. If I have approved your posting for the list and they don't like it, their arguments should be addressed to me, not to you. Some people will never understand that. Some people are born to flame and are therefore beyond redemption, but they will have to be some other listmaster's problem, not mine, and certainly not yours.
Thank you, Ben Boxer notes: A member has written to me in response to my post regarding private flaming. He asks a good question: What is a flame? He then proceeds to define so well what it is and what it is not that I see he really needs no help in understanding it. He could teach the class. I want to share his letter with you (see below) and will insert my comments, as well. He is Sly; I am BB.
From: DSly4580@aol.com Sly: What do you define as a flame? BB: Unnecessary agitation. A flamer, or flame-thrower as I call him, is an agitator. My partner, who has been on more e-lists than I ever knew existed -- from car enthusiasts to chub lovers -- has witnessed monumental flame wars. He never started one. He is a perennial lurker. He defines a flame as "putting somebody down for nothing." It's the best definition I ever heard. Sly: While I generally do not intend to flame anyone, or belittle them, I have no problem telling them if I disagree with something and I never intend to belittle or offend either. Does this constitute flaming as far as you are concerned? BB: No, that is not flaming. You can be quite vigorous in your disagreement or in defending your own position. No matter how careful you may be, though, the other guy might take offense if for no other reason than that it differs from his own thinking on a given subject. That is not your problem, but his, if you have not bullied him or cast aspersions on his character or intelligence for holding a contrary opinion. Sly: Personally I think there is a difference between private disagreement, and flaming. To me flaming is attacking you personally for a view or something that was said in a demeaning and insulting manner, while stating in private (which I think can be more polite and mature, perhaps even more dignified than sending to a mailing list) that I may not necessarily agree with views, but most importantly, I think that respect should be involved. BB: Take "private" out of the first sentence in the previous paragraph, and I agree: "There is a difference between disagreement and flaming." Yes! "Private" is a dangerous word on a communal e-list. It is not dangerous in a chat room where two or more can chat privately apart from the group, but there is no private setting on an e-list, and one must be careful of carrying over e-list discussions in private e-mails invading another member's In-Box without his invitation or permission. That may be a fine point of netiquette, but it is one of the most troublesome things you can do. BB continues: Unless a relationship of some sort has developed between you, why would you dare to disagree with a perfect stranger in the sanctity of his home? That constitutes "breaking and entering," and if your disagreement happens to be offensive to the individual, it constitutes a form of "rape." He has no defense against you. You have violated him. He may choose to call the police, and in this case that means Ben Boxer. Establishing a private relationship with another member is a simple thing to do. Write him a note of admiration for his position in a post or in response to his posting of personal specs which embody an invitation to write and introduce yourself. When you have become cyberspatial friends, THEN is the time for your mutuality to include disagreements if you are both so inclined. Then it becomes none of my business, but if you have invaded his domain BANG BANG, no matter how gentle your argument, you are a flame-thrower. Sly: Since I have no desire to cause you or anyone else trouble, I would be very interested to hear what you have to say on the topic. BB: In the last paragraph, you have uncovered the most important element of anyone's membership on an e-list: "...I have no desire to cause you or anyone else trouble...." There you have it. Attitude is everything. That attitude will prevent you from causing grief to any of your teammates -- or to your coach (he he!). You don't have to coddle them as if they were pre-schoolers. You are entitled to a touch of macho roughness as you would be if scrimmaging together in high school football. You would not dream of kicking them in the balls on purpose. That hurts, even more so if you remember they can as easily do the same unto you! A last word from BB: This list is moderated for three reasons -- (1) to keep flaming at a minimum and thus provide a safe environment without fear of wildfire; (2) to edit out extraneous material such as repeat postings which swamp the digest, and (3) to safeguard against viruses that might try to slip through the QueerNet anti-virus software. There is no power-tripping involved on my part. As one member pointed out to me recently, "The list isn't really worth a shit in the Big Picture," which I choose to interpret as "we can all live without it if need be" (but which sweetens life for quite a few). That's good enough for me. Ben Boxer On 18 February 2001, while racing for fame and fortune, Dale Earnhardt died in the last lap of the Daytona 500. It was surely a tragedy for his family, friends and fans. He was 49 years old with grown children, one, which was in the race. I am new to the NASCAR culture so much of what I know has come from the newspaper and TV. He was a winner and earned everything he had. This included more than "$41 million in winnings and ten times that from endorsements and souvenir sales". He had a beautiful home and a private jet. He drove the most sophisticated cars allowed and every part was inspected and replaced as soon as there was any evidence of wear. This is normally fully funded by the car and team sponsors. Today, there is no TV station that does not constantly remind us of his tragic end and the radio already has a song of tribute to this winning driver. Nothing should be taken away from this man, he was a professional and the best in his profession. He was in a very dangerous business but the rewards were great. Two weeks ago seven U.S. Army soldiers died in a training accident when two UH-60 Blackhawk helicopters collided during night maneuvers in Hawaii. The soldiers were all in their twenties, pilots, crew chiefs and infantrymen. Most of them lived in sub-standard housing. If you add their actual duty hours (in the field, deployed) they probably earn something close to minimum wage. The aircraft they were in were between 15 and 20 years old. Many times parts were not available to keep them in good shape due to funding. They were involved in the extremely dangerous business of flying in the Kuhuku mountains at night. It only gets worse when the weather moves in as it did that night. Most times no one is there with a yellow or red flag to slow things down when it gets critical. Their children where mostly toddlers who will lose all memory of who "Daddy" was as they grow up. They died training to defend our freedom. I take nothing away from Dale Earnhardt but ask you to perform this simple test. Ask any of your friends if they know who was the NASCAR driver killed on 18 February 2001. Then ask them if they can name one of the seven soldiers who died in Hawaii two weeks ago.
18 February 2001, Dale Earnhardt died driving for fame and glory at the
Daytona 500. The nation mourns. Seven soldiers died training to protect
our freedom. No one can remember their names and most don't even
remember the incident.
Well, that mean that I am gay, but much younger than you (foxhunter)...
My experience here in Montreal was painfull.I didn't choose to be born like
this, I have nothing in my hand to change it...there is no reason to be
proud being gay for me...au contaitre...I spend hours with daddies maybe
years , and I have never found a real good heart...you think it was my
fault? I am not sure , but I don't think so, you consider us like toys, play
and throw, and after goodbye with no return....why all this? why not to be
sincere with yourself before being sincere with others?
I asked myself a lot what i become, and why I let daddies do these to me and
till when?
I love you, but I hate you, and maybe I hate myself because of you, I want
to get rid of it....I want advice, that's why I'm talking to you...and how
to take advice from the cause of the sikness?
If being homo has no meaning please tell me how to be hetero?
Ca sera gentil de ta part si tu me reponds.
REST ASSURED..... There are more Silverfoxes out there that would give
anything to have the love and loyalty of sincere foxhunter to share their
lives. I do not know why you might have placed yourself in a position to be
repeatedly hurt...Only you can truly answer this. "BEING homo...or
hetero...indeed has no particular meaning, but BEING YOURSELF (WHATEVER that
may be), IS important and DOES have great meaning in the overallness of our
life experience. It is too bad that our present "Society" imposes so much
emphasis on "being" something, and completely ignores the fact that all that
is required of us as human beings is to (#1) LOVE, and (#2) simply BE
OURSELVES.
------------------------------ Dear Astrid, Your plea is a ringing one. I am so sorry you have not found the loving partner you need. I can only offer a sympathetic ear. But, I believe good-hearted gay seniors do exist, and I am confident you will find one someday. Having read this list for some time, I expect you will find many responsive and supportive correspondents here. If you would like to write, please do so to redbear@matthews.com.
Best regards, End of silverfoxesclub-digest V1 #151
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